Before I even start this. I need to apologize. I’ve been consistently horrible to you over the course of the last 8 years. I’ve yelled at you. Hated you. Cried over you. Cut myself because of you. I looked in the mirror every day and saw everything you weren’t. I resented you. I stopped looking in the mirror because of you. And I found myself more behind the camera rather than in the pictures being taken.
I am sorry. I know now you weren’t trying to hurt me in any way. I’m so sorry it took me so long to mature and come to this epiphany. As I know now, you were only trying to warn me. That something wasn’t right. That I wasn’t happy. That things weren’t okay. That we needed to change...together.
I starved you. Punished you. Abused you. Hurt you. But instead of giving up on me, you kept fighting. You fought for me when I didn’t think there was anything left to fight for. You continually gave me breath. You gave me life. Used your senses to spark the curiosity in me again. You allowed me to move and express in the ways my soul truly needed.
Most of my issues with you were because of weight. You held onto pounds I didn’t want to have. As the scale numbers kept creeping up, the more I did to try and stop you. I didn't understand what was happening. I wasn't eating much. I was exercising extensively. You shouldn't have help onto the weight the way you did. But I now realize you held onto the weight BECAUSE I was doing those things. You held onto it because I was sending myself into a stressful and downward spiral. You thought I was struggling to survive. You wanted me to live.
So today I want to thank you. Each and every part of you. From the slightly “too large for my liking” thighs to my “never quite toned enough” arms. Those legs climbed actual mountains. And those arms are strong enough to hold my body weight for over-done handstand photos. I promise to never treat you that way again. To love you the way I should have always loved you. And take care of you the way you need.
But mainly I promise to be kinder to you. More gentle. Less judgmental. To know that you are doing your best. I know the distorted part of my brain will continue to see you as a burden at times. I will still find something to criticize. And I know I'll still shed tears over my reflection in the mirror. But it's during those times I want to try and and be self-aware the most. It’s only been through this time of recovery, self-discovery, and genuine happiness that we have truly become one. I've realized the ways in which I truly need you. And how much I appreciate you. And have cultivated a lifestyle that makes both of us happy. I can’t wait to continue down this path of love and commitment to be the best version of myself. Inside and out.