I'm not sure about you, but the new year is always an exciting and optimistic time for me. Even when I was my most unhappy and depressed, the turning page of the future always made me hopeful that the missing pieces of my life's puzzle were going to finally fall into place. Each new year comes with so much new potential. New goals to try and hit. New adventures to be had. In my brain, the coming of the new year meant the sadness and hurt from the year before no longer applied to my life. I'd treat the new year like a breakup from a toxic relationship and fully immersed myself into the new person I wanted to be.
Which sounds great and all, but by mid March I always start to lose that motivation and seamlessly fall back into old habits.
This year, I do want to make some resolutions, but I want to be more mindful of them and approach them in a new manner. I want them to become synonymous with the way I live and become life long habits that I continue to grow with.
In the past, I was a notorious quick fixer. I put bandaids on my symptoms and ignored the underlying causes of my issues. So 2018 is going to be my year of true healing. I want to continue to heal my mind and my heart and the emotional hurt I've been through. I want to continue to heal my body from the years of abuse and starvation I put it through. I want to heal my spirit and soul and set myself on metaphorical fire. I want to heal relationships and continue to nurture the amazing ones I have and come to terms with the one's I've lost and relieve myself of grudges. I also want to heal myself from fear.
Generally speaking, I'm the biggest scaredy cat ever to exist. I hate scary movies and haunted houses and all the other crap some people tend to get a real adrenaline rush from. Fear is where all of my anxiety and worry stem from - as I'm always afraid of the worst possible outcome in any scenario.
And as I've been reflecting and learning about myself, I've started to realize something else. My entire life, I've been afraid of the girl I could possibly become. Which sounds strange, so let me try and get my words out. All of my life, everyone has expected a lot from me. I have old year books full of notes from people thinking I was going to become a professional dancer or be on broadway or overall famous. I had teachers and professors who told me if I kept applying myself, I could actually make positive change in the world. It felt like most people put me up on this high standard shelf. But the thing about that is that the higher that shelf got, the further I had to fall. The more I had to lose. And that's where the true fear sets in, because the opposite of success is failure. And to me, a failure is the worst possible thing I could be.
Recently Greg and I started re-watching Blue Mountain State. If anyone is actually familiar with that show, you'll get this, but to everyone else, I promise this segue will actually make sense. Alex Moran is one of the main characters, and one of his character pillars is that he has only ever done just enough to get where he wants to be. Aka he's basically just an "achiever" rather than an "over achiever". And honestly, every time the show alludes to this, it seriously resonates with me so hard. Because yes, there are things I do try for, but most of the time, I do the bare minimum. And it's worked out because my bare minimum bar is set higher than most people's actual bars.
I really have done just enough to be where I want to be. And not because I'm lazy, but because I'm scared of where I'll be if I actually try my hardest all of the time. More so, scared of NOT achieving anything if I try my hardest all of the time. And again as I've been reflecting I've noticed I'm like this in every aspect of my life. With school, I did just enough to get into the college program I wanted to be in with a sizable scholarship. I made it into the top 8% of my class and had zero thoughts about making it into the top 5% or top 10 GPAs. Dance was kind of the same way. I had enough natural talent that I was better than most. And again, I worked hard on some aspects of that craft. I danced well enough to make it into the top 5 in almost every competition I attended, with enough of that "extra something" to win me class scholarships or special awards. But I never pushed myself to always take away the main title. Even with art, something I did as a passionate hobby, I never pushed myself to get better because again I was already better than the average human.
I look back and shake my head because if I would have pushed myself further growing up, maybe my life would be different. But thinking like that only leads to frustration and would already push me off the road of healing, so I'm not even going to entertain that thought...
The road I've been traveling is safe. Yes it's had it's hardships lately as I've actually been dealing with the consequences of my actions. But all in all, it's safe. Safe is okay place to be, I'm not mad about it or anything - but safe is also mediocre and boring. Safe is just existing. 2017 gave me a taste of actually living, and this year, I want to taste it fully.
I'm done being scared to reach that potential of that girl I could be. I want to finally break through that glass ceiling and break up with my fear. I'm tired of letting the "what if's" stop me from trying, because I think that should be the actual definition of failure - not trying rather than not succeeding. If I get hurt and experience heartbreak along the way, well, I know how to deal with that in a healthy way now, and I have the greatest support system in the world to help me get back on my feet. One full life is worth more than a million safe lives.
So that's my resolution for the year, to continue healing and to stop being so afraid of success. To actually try and stop letting fear keep me from living life to the fullest.
I also have new ideas and resolutions for this blog as well. I have some content and collaborations planned for this year that I am truly excited about. I spent the last year writing about all the shitty things I've been going through and while that was definitely needed as the backbone and core of this blog, I'm ready to start creating more hopeful and positive content. Yes there are still some tough things I have to share, but I don't want this blog to become a sad, depressing diary of sorts. I want to start to use this to continue this evolution of who I am and who I want to be and what kind of messages I want to put into the world. But more of that will come later.
So in the meantime, hold onto your pants people, it's healing time.