Hey peeps. I've been feeling really good about myself lately. Not in a "stuck up I'm better than everyone else" way, but more of a "I'm getting pretty darn comfortable in my own skin" kind of way. Which is really cool. Especially because right now I don't technically feel my best. This last month of constant weddings, traveling, moving, and tater-tot meals has left my body in a not so great place. I've felt like crap, my skin is breaking out, and I'm definitely fluffier than I was at the end of June.
But that's okay because that's life. And besides, tater-tots are glorious.
Yes I've had a cry sesh or two in July, but overall, mentally I've been the most stable I've been in a really long time. Maybe ever. I honestly thought this compilation of huge life events would take a large toll on me (huge life events = Greg and I moving in together and me watching all of my friends get married - because unless you're a robot, you will have feelings about everyone else around you marrying off). But it weirdly hasn't been as terrible as I thought it was going to be. Yes, I've had an anxiety attack sitting in the middle of a pile of moving boxes. Yes, I got upset thinking my friends are leaving both me and our friendships behind. But you know what? Once I calmed down from those stormy seas of negative thoughts and emotions, and I stopped comparing where I'm at in my journey to the where the people I love are on theirs, I came to a big realization:
I'm exactly where I both NEED and WANT to be in life.
AND THATS FRIGGIN AWESOME
So with that said, I want to challenge myself these next two-ish weeks. I'm in some need of inspiration and a new challenge. I've noticed for the last week-ish that Sarahah is a thing. For those of you that don't know, Sarahah is actually a Middle Eastern App that was created for corporations - giving a voice to workers in hopes of creating a constructive criticism forum allowing growth and change to flourish. The app gained popularity and now I guess Americans are using it to see how much people love/hate us. The concept and execution is simple. You create an account, share that link, and then anyone who has access to said link can anonymously tell you what they think of you. The good. The bad. And the very ugly. As one would guess (or maybe just me since I'm kind of cynical) the app has generated a lot of cyber-bullying among teens. Which is both worrisome and just sinks my heart.
As someone who has a lot of social anxiety, creating an account seems like the WORST idea in the world. Why would someone volunteer to allow friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances tear them a new one? It seems crazy and again my hands are shaking thinking about all of the terrible things people probably think about me...
BUT. There are two reasons I want to do this:
1. My main goal in life is to stop letting other people and their opinions affect my life so greatly. I'm the kind of human that gets mini anxiety attacks just walking through crowds of people. Clamy hands, shaking tremors, blurred vision, light-headedness, all of it. In my mind everyone thinks only negative things about me and honestly, I just wish I could just be invisible most of the time. I'm hoping this acts as a kind of exposure therapy - seeing and validating negative comments and learning how to appropriately let them add value (or completely dismiss them) to my life.
2. A lot of my friends who are using this are actually getting a shit ton of validation and love. AND I THINK THAT IS SO AMAZING. We as a whole rarely give ourselves enough credit. So to see my friends, who I think are absolutely the most talented and the most incredible, getting comments from others who think the same way about them as I do, is so inspirational to me. And inspirational feels like an odd word choice here, but that's how I'm feeling. Inspired and happy. My heart feels like the Grinch's when it grows three sizes at some of the beautiful and wholesome things people are saying. Even the comments to acquaintances, they make me want to happy cry because even though I don't cherish these humans like my close friends, I still want the absolute best for them and still do genuinely care and to see them so positively validated...I have no words. (But I clearly have enough words for run-off sentences...)
Here's the experiment. I'm creating an account. I'm going to let it live until August 14. Ten days. Ten days of anonymous comments. Maybe I'll get some love. Maybe I'll only get roasted. Maybe I'll learn positive things about myself. Maybe I'll get some constructive criticism and make some character changes. Maybe no one gives a shit and no one will say anything. Everything that gets or does not get sent to me is okay.