Oh hey there. It’s been a week. Did you (and by you, I mean the four of you who actually read this) miss me? I took advantage of the long Easter holiday to mentally check out from work and my creative side projects in hopes of pulling a Jesus – sleeping as much as I can for three days and then rise all inspired like and shit. Not that I equate myself to Jesus or think my average life could start some kind of self-love based revolution. I’m not that naïve. Needless to say, while I did catch up on sleep and Vitamin D, I don’t feel very refreshed or inspired coming home. And honestly, it’s because of the one question I’ve been getting from people. “Why are you still doing the mental health blog thing?” (Or some other rough version of the same question.)
People I care about have cautioned me that having an open blog like this while job searching is really risky and a pretty stupid idea. Others have asked why I’m still blogging about mental health rather than fitness or food or fashion or any other F word that’s trending at the moment. Even others have said things along the lines of, “your blog really won’t get you much traction or fame…why even bother anymore?” or “Everyone has a sob story, why would they want to read about yours?”
And you know what…right now I really don’t have an answer. There are a lot of days where I do wonder why I’m doing this. Like I said, I really think only like four people actually read what I have to say. I don’t blog about traveling or fun recipes. My blog isn’t a distraction or something anyone actually looks forward to reading. I don’t blog to pretend my life is perfect and I’m stylish and super cool. I don’t talk hair products. I don’t tell you guys what makeup brands I’m digging each month. I’m not training for marathons. I’m not dressing for festivals or concerts. My life isn’t that sweet. Day in and day out, my life is pretty much the same. Go to work, go to dance, workout, deal with my bipolar depression and anxiety, sleep, rinse, repeat.
So why am I still doing this? Why do I continue to be so vulnerable and open up about the really shitty things I’ve gone through? Why am I risking a future interview or job for a blog no one reads? Am I that arrogant to think I could actually change the world? Ha. F*** no…
I do this because a friend I met through Greg told me she read my high school bully post four times and said it was one of the most relatable things she’s ever read.
I do this because a friend of a friend (who also blogs) messaged me and told me the only reason she could open up about her past with sexual harassment was because of how open I’ve been.
I do this because at least one person privately messages me after each post saying something along the lines of “thank you, there are days I feel like a freak because of the things I feel. It's nice to know someone I actually know is dealing with it too.”
I do this because I personally know so many people who suffer with depression, anxiety, ED thoughts and the like. I know some of them are in denial. Some of them don’t understand why they feel the way they do. Some of them just need to feel like someone out there understands them.
I do this because four days a week I’m working with young girls and boys, kids that are basically family, and I’m watching them grow up in a world that’s only getting more negative by the day.
I do this because I still need help, because I’m still figuring this out, because none of us should be navigating life alone – especially when you feel alone to begin with.
I do this because I’m not ready to be done with it yet, because it means something to me – and whether or not other people get it or support it – I don’t really care anymore.
So to the future employer who wouldn’t hire me because of all this, that’s okay, we probably wouldn’t get along anyway. I’ve lived the “perfect life” for 23 years. Living the way everyone else wanted me to be. And guess what, that way of living made me want to kill myself. It’s not the way I want to live anymore. And if you’re looking for some kind of perfect totally in control rational yet relatable human, good luck. Everyone is going through shit. I’m no longer embarrassed or ashamed of who I am or the things I’ve been through. And I’m proud to be so open about my personal baggage.
To those who say I need to be trendier. Go read other blogs. This was never about material goods or superficial things. This was never about trying to upkeep something that I’m just not. Like I said, I’ve already done that. I’ve worn the right clothes, had the right hair, worked out the right way, ate like I thought I should, and said the right things. And again it almost killed me. Why create and share a blog detrimental to the self-love and peace I’ve finally been able to cultivate? If this isn’t the content you’re looking for, I can recommend ten other blogs run by girls I personally know.
To those who say I’m just another sob story and in the end, this blog doesn’t matter, thank you. I need to hear things like this, because if that were actually true, I wouldn’t have felt the need to start this blog in the first place. If that were true, we all would be able to handle our emotions and no one would suffer from depression or anxiety or EDs or whatever other demons haunt them because they would actually feel like they could open up about what they’re feeling and experiencing. But we aren’t there yet. It’s these comments that prove the exact opposite to be true. We still have a long way to go breaking down these walls. People are still taking or thinking about taking their own lives because they feel so alone and lost that it’s their only option left…
I’m still doing this because I want everyone to know they still have options.
I’m still doing this because we should be taught coping mechanisms at an early age but aren’t. That it’s okay to not be 150% at all times, because we’re imperfectly perfect and sometimes we just can’t do it or have it all, and that’s more than okay.
I’m still doing this because we are so focused on everyone else’s highlight reels that we collectively don’t enjoy our own lives.
I’m still doing this because I still believe in and see the light in people who no longer see’s it in themselves.
I’m still doing this because I still give a f***, and because genuinely know you can find happiness and peace after life throws it’s worst at you.